Just when you thought all the year-end awards were over... we pull you back in! OK, OK, so someone maaaay have dipped into the New Year's punch a bit early and neglected to post this before the clock struck midnight on Dec. 31. I'm not going to name that person so let's move beyond blame and towards appreciation for a few more nostalgic nods to the past year.
Worst Projectile Thrown On the Ice At A Hockey Game
It isn’t an octopus. It isn’t a catfish. It isn’t a rat. It’s not a hotdog. It is a freaking DEAD DUCK.
The duck was thrown onto the ice by a fan of either the San Jose Sharks or the Anaheim Mighty Ducks (we still aren’t really sure) in San Jose at the HP Pavillion on Boxing Day. Now if this is someone trying to help turn Anaheim’s season around or perhaps start a new Ducks tradition, they may want to start by throwing the dead waterfowl onto the ice in Anaheim. I really hope this doesn’t start something a trend, as a rink full of dead ducks just isn’t the image the team wants associated with it. And let's hope this whole throwing-dead-versions-of-our-team's-name thing doesn't catch on in places like Florida, Phoenix or Ottawa.
-- PARKY
The Best Canadian Baseball Player To Play For The Toronto Blue Jays in 2011
The Toronto Blue Jays are a baseball team. From time to time they excite fans with the promise of fielding better teams which result in possible playoff implications. However, most times (at least every year since 1993) those promises are empty, resulting in many Red Sox and Yankee bandwagon-ers. Well if there was something fans needed to cheer for in 2012, it could be B.C. native, Brett Lawrie. He burst on the scene with a positive and incredibly infectious attitude. Playing with heart and passion, his explosive power and dazzling fielding make him just the rallying point fans in Toronto needed. Look for Lawrie to continue exciting fans in 2012, and here’s hoping the rest of the Jays play with the same heart Lawrie brings to the park every game.
-- PARKY
The Canadian Best in the World at a Sport Nobody Watches
Winning seemingly every event he entered in 2011, Patrick Chan has taken the men’s figure skating world by storm and, unfortunately, not enough people know about it. CP even named him Canada’s male athlete of the year after he went undefeated in 2011, winning all five ISU events he participated in. He won in record fashion and shows no signs of slowing down, even learning a valuable lesson in PR when he spoke about the different ways in how China embraces figure skating culture versus Canada.
I first encountered the Philadelphia 76ers' Hip-Hop mascot at the NBA All-Star Game in 2002 and was horrified by the Donnie Darko-meets-Fresh Prince abomination that was stalking the sidelines and invading my dreams. Of all of the sick, twisted appeals by boardroom executives to appeal to the youth's hip-hop culture, this was not only the most ill-conceived but also the most truly nightmare inducing. His death has only aggravated my fears now that I've become convinced that it has the power to haunt me from beyond the grave.
-- Tim Chisholm
Worst Use of the NBA Lock-Out
Some players used the downtime to heal injuries or expand their basketball repertoire. Peace ignored his rapidly degenerating game to dedicate his time to legally changing his name to a nonsensical mishmash of new-age gobbledygook, then lending his shockingly limited talents to Dancing With The Stars, lasting all of one episode before he was unceremoniously booted from the program. After two preseason games with the Lakers, it's clear that neither of these escapades helped re-ignite The Man Formerly Known As Ron Artest's talent for basketball.
-- Tim Chisholm
Biggest D-Bag Who Finds the Onion Bag
Though UK-based The Fiver claims Man City's Mario Balotelli has jumped the shark, we reckon the goal-scoring Italian clown with the diva attitude is bound to continue his antics in 2012 -- despite public pressure from his coach to knock it off already. In 2011, we've seen Super Mario fight at least two teammates at training, fail epically at getting a training bib on, set his house on fire after lighting off fireworks in his bathroom, and lift up his jersey to show off a "Why Always Me?" t-shirt after scoring against Manchester United. Not since Maradona's press interactions at the 2010 World Cup have we witnessed this kind of infantile need for attention but, like el Diego, Balotelli is deadly on the ball, an undeniable talent with speed, power and creative finishing abilities. Man City remain top of the table, the BPL has a lightning rod it can count on and, if you look up "love to hate" in the dictionary, you might just see a grinning Balotelli.
This one was obvious, non? While many were waiting for the Phoenix Coyotes to eventually make their way out of the desert and back up to Manitoba, Mark Chipman and True North Sports made the unexpected happen. At the end of May, word was out that the Atlanta Thrashers would be moving to Winnipeg. As if that wasn't exciting enough, just under a month later (which to the internet was an ETERNITY) at the NHL entry draft the team officially announced it would be called the Jets. And then, they unveiled the sweaters. Whew, lots of exciting times. Oh, and then there was the whole matter of actually playing hockey and after a rough start the Jets have played themselves into playoff contention. All in all, a pretty sweet 2011 for the 'Peg.
The Just In Time To Say Goodbye Award
Five years ago, former Manchester United and England star David Beckham signed a contract with the Los Angeles Galaxy to revolutionize soccer in America. But while "revolution," is much to strong a word, Beckham certainly brough a spotlight on Major League Soccer that would not have otherwise been there and, arguably, opened the door for other aging stars like Thierry Henry and Robbie Keane to see the league as a viable option. So it was here, in the last season of his contract, that Beckham finally was able to help deliver the hardware, as the Galaxy won the MLS Cup in November. As good a parting gift as any, wouldn't you say? There is word he might sign a 12-month extension, but is also being pursued by newly flush French side Paris St-Germain.
Sports Legend Offspring of the Year
Paulina Gretzky has been called a lot of things since causing a bit of a Twitterstorm with some arguably less-than-wholesome twitpics a few months ago and the subsequent shut-down-the-resurrected Twitter account. You could write it all of as just another spoiled brat living the vapid Hollywood lifestyle whilst pursuing a mediocre singer/actor/model career, and you probably wouldn't be far off. But give the girl a break. She's 23-years-old. People in their early 20s do idiotic things all the time. It's just that most of them aren't related to sports royalty. OK, some of them are. But still.
All this fuss about twitpics is really just the faux-moral huffing and puffing of the 24-hour news cycle. It's not like there was a sex tape. No, Ms. Gretzky just made a few questionable calls, like we all do at 23, all the while giving fans a pretty funny peek at the real world of growing up Gretzky. Cripes, that Xmas portrait (above) alone is pure GOLD.
Welcome, once again, to our annual Cheapies awards! For two years this has been our respectable nod and soft clap to the more memorable sports moments and people of the last year. We used the donut trophy before, but I think the above photo nicely sums up our feelings just as well. Go ahead, look at it. Soak it in. It's like a pirate ship and a wedding cake had a baby. It says nothing and yet it says everything. Striking.
Anyhoo, on to the awards!
The Good Riddance Award
The Ontario Teacher's Pension Fund sold off its stake in Maple Leaf Sports & Entertainment in December to Bell and Rogers. Although many Leafs fans will be cheering the departure of the emotionless profit machine that is educational retirement money, it's more likely Teacher's is wiping its brow in relief and looking forward to making bucketloads of money off an investment that doesn't include crowds of flag-waving loonies who heap praise and adulation on a team that hasn't made the playoffs since before the Class of 2012 even started high school.
Best Cameo by an Athlete in a Non-Sports Commercial
Sure, Kobe did it first but this ad for Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3, "The Vet & the n00b" is simply a step above that noble effort. Director Peter Berg gets you all pumped up by the action and the ACDC, then laughing at all the Jonah Hillness... but right when you think it's all over, Dwight Howard steps in with a perfectly timed "WOOOOOOO!" Despite the trade request and ensuing rumours, Howard's still one of the more likeable NBA stars and this cameo only cements that fact.
The Best Start to a Crappy Finish Award
It all started out so perfectly for the Vancouver Whitecaps. The West coast soccer team with as much history behind it as any this country has seen finally made its jump to North America's top tier, beginning its inaugural season with a 4-2 home win over Toronto FC, the only other Canadian team in the league. "We couldn't have asked for a better start to our life in MLS," said Whitecaps FC head coach Teitur Thoradarson after the game. "We scored four goals and created a lot of chances. We could have possibly scored some more goals, but to win 4-2 in our very first MLS game is a dream come true. I'm extremely happy with the players and with the team." Thoradarson was fired 11 games later. The Whitecaps finished the season in the basement of the Western Conference and tied for last overall, with just six wins in 34 games. None of those wins came on the road.
The Goal: Remember way back in February when Vancouver hosted a few folks from different countries to partake in various sporting activities? Well, the Cheapies would have its citizenship revoked if we didn’t mention it.
Need we say more than that? Sidney Crosby’s gold-medal winning OT goal against the Americans? If you don’t know what we're talking about, Welcome to earth.
The Longest Kickoff Return That Looks Like It's in Slo-Mo But Isn't Award
New England Patriots' Dan Connolly: A guard! Connolly returns a line-drive kickoff 71 yards, lumbering down the left side in slow, fat motion like a rhino chasing a tourist, setting up a crucial touchdown in a four-point New England win. Longest punt return by an offensive lineman ever.
Welcome to our second annual round-up of an entire year, by way of listing off our favourite moments in sports. I know, I know, why don't more people do something like this? It's a puzzle. So! As you navigate that tricky No Man's Land between the food coma and whisky hangover of Christmas and the champagne-fuelled let-down of New Year's Eve, let us send off 2010 with another multi-volume listicle of less-than epic proportions, shall we? Huzzah!
This year, the whole gang got in the act, with contributions from Adam Crew, Luke Fox, Matt Parkinson (Parky) and yours truly. On to the Cheapies!
And the winner is... well, take a wild guess. We can wax on about if Mr. Woods hadn't ventured out and tried to take a drive on that Friday morning in November, none of this would've happened... but given this age of the 24-hour gossip news cycle, the fact the World's Greatest Golfer may have stepped out on his marriage, oh, a few dozen times here and there every month was bound to emerge.
Now, pro athletes and infidelity go together like piles of cocaine and call girls, so this entire episode shouldn't really come as a huge surprise. But what makes it such a spectacular fall from grace -- and probably a bit unfair -- is just how perfect the aura of Tiger has been for more than a decade.
"Please forgive me...but sometimes I get very emotional...when I talk about my son.... My heart...fills with so...much...joy...when I realize...that this young man...is going to be able...to help so many people.... He will transcend
this game...and bring to the world...a humanitarianism...which has
never been known before. The world will be a better place to live
in...by virtue of his existence...and his presence.... I acknowledge
only a small part in that...in that I know that I was personally
selected by God himself...to nurture this young man...and bring him to
the point where he can make his contribution to humanity.... This is my
treasure.... Please accept it...and use it wisely.... Thank you."
When your dad talks about you like this, as Earl Woods did to Sports Illustrated back in 1996, you're either going to fail to meet these oh-so-modest expectations OR have a religion founded in your name.
Mr. Woods has taken an indefinite break from golf and lost three major sponsors since the scandal broke, which will surely cut deep into his $100-million annual take from commercial partners. This past year, (and by "year" we obviously mean eight weeks) the only way Woods could've garnered more negative press was if he had also been running a gay-porn-dog-fighting ring that enslaved Third World children to raise profits for Al Qaeda.
At least there's only one way to go in 2010, right Tiger?
And the winner is... the Boston Bruins. Now, obviously, there are always plenty of choices here -- in 2009 alone there's Leroy Smith, Hyperize! and more -- not to mention one commercial that's so beautifully ironic, it almost brings us to tears.. more on that later.
We celebrate this series of Bruins spots for two reasons. First, it's been a long while since a TV commercial for hockey made us laugh -- those Nike spots for Sundin? -- let alone something from an NHL team itself. Second, they play perfectly to the everyday hockey fan who just wants some good beer, a good game and some good laughs in equal measure. Bring on the bear.
And the winner is... Jim Balsillie. The Blackberry Baron really took being a thorn in Gary Bettman and the NHL Board of Governors' side to the next level in 2009. First there was the sliiiightly dodgy way he and Phoenix Coyotes owner Jerry Moyes arranged the original sale of the team, then there was the Bettman backlash, THEN there was Make It Seven and a (mostly Canadian) PR media blitz where Jimbo seemed to be making his case to the people directly.
Did it work? Well, no. And ol'Jim may have ruined his chances of getting an NHL team by being such a ball-buster and not kissing the various rings of the NHL's board sufficiently to gain favour. But what he DID do is rile Canadian hockey fans sufficiently that now, even with Balsillie on the sidelines, Bettman & Co. are openly talking about putting another team in southern Ontario and even getting Quebec City and Winnipeg into the conversation. Jim also let fans believe that there were still guys with bucketloads of cash who are passionate about the game itslef as much as profits AND willing to pony up to own a hockey team.
Will he ever get one? Hard to say. But we're pretty damn sure Mr. Balsillie's not done trying.
