And the winner is... well, take a wild guess. We can wax on about if Mr. Woods hadn't ventured out and tried to take a drive on that Friday morning in November, none of this would've happened... but given this age of the 24-hour gossip news cycle, the fact the World's Greatest Golfer may have stepped out on his marriage, oh, a few dozen times here and there every month was bound to emerge.
Now, pro athletes and infidelity go together like piles of cocaine and call girls, so this entire episode shouldn't really come as a huge surprise. But what makes it such a spectacular fall from grace -- and probably a bit unfair -- is just how perfect the aura of Tiger has been for more than a decade.
"Please forgive me...but sometimes I get very emotional...when I talk about my son.... My heart...fills with so...much...joy...when I realize...that this young man...is going to be able...to help so many people.... He will transcend
this game...and bring to the world...a humanitarianism...which has
never been known before. The world will be a better place to live
in...by virtue of his existence...and his presence.... I acknowledge
only a small part in that...in that I know that I was personally
selected by God himself...to nurture this young man...and bring him to
the point where he can make his contribution to humanity.... This is my
treasure.... Please accept it...and use it wisely.... Thank you."
When your dad talks about you like this, as Earl Woods did to Sports Illustrated back in 1996, you're either going to fail to meet these oh-so-modest expectations OR have a religion founded in your name.
Mr. Woods has taken an indefinite break from golf and lost three major sponsors since the scandal broke, which will surely cut deep into his $100-million annual take from commercial partners. This past year, (and by "year" we obviously mean eight weeks) the only way Woods could've garnered more negative press was if he had also been running a gay-porn-dog-fighting ring that enslaved Third World children to raise profits for Al Qaeda.
At least there's only one way to go in 2010, right Tiger?
And the winner is... the Boston Bruins. Now, obviously, there are always plenty of choices here -- in 2009 alone there's Leroy Smith, Hyperize! and more -- not to mention one commercial that's so beautifully ironic, it almost brings us to tears.. more on that later.
We celebrate this series of Bruins spots for two reasons. First, it's been a long while since a TV commercial for hockey made us laugh -- those Nike spots for Sundin? -- let alone something from an NHL team itself. Second, they play perfectly to the everyday hockey fan who just wants some good beer, a good game and some good laughs in equal measure. Bring on the bear.
And the winner is... Jim Balsillie. The Blackberry Baron really took being a thorn in Gary Bettman and the NHL Board of Governors' side to the next level in 2009. First there was the sliiiightly dodgy way he and Phoenix Coyotes owner Jerry Moyes arranged the original sale of the team, then there was the Bettman backlash, THEN there was Make It Seven and a (mostly Canadian) PR media blitz where Jimbo seemed to be making his case to the people directly.
Did it work? Well, no. And ol'Jim may have ruined his chances of getting an NHL team by being such a ball-buster and not kissing the various rings of the NHL's board sufficiently to gain favour. But what he DID do is rile Canadian hockey fans sufficiently that now, even with Balsillie on the sidelines, Bettman & Co. are openly talking about putting another team in southern Ontario and even getting Quebec City and Winnipeg into the conversation. Jim also let fans believe that there were still guys with bucketloads of cash who are passionate about the game itslef as much as profits AND willing to pony up to own a hockey team.
Will he ever get one? Hard to say. But we're pretty damn sure Mr. Balsillie's not done trying.
And the winner is... Pittsburgh! Steel City. Iron City. Hamilton of the South. Whatever you want to call it, if you were a fan of football, hockey and winning, this was the place to be in 2009. The Steelers won the Super Bowl then the Penguins went on to hoist the Stanley Cup. Not too shabby. And the Pirates... well, they had their 17th consecutive losing season. To paraphrase the immortal Meatloaf, two out of three ain't bad.
And the winner is... George Brett! Well, at least the folks who took the time to make what might possibly go down as the funniest sports-related autotune remix of all time. You remember this don't you? In case you don't, it consists of the Hall-of-Famer spinning a yarn about a certain ill-timed intestinal issue that plagues him from time to time. To simply say, "George Brett sh*ts his pants" when describing this song would be like summing up The Sun also Rises as, "dude takes a trip to Spain."
Add to the rich description and fine-tuned attention to detail, the most popular music-making technique of the past year and you've got some special brand of magic on your hands. The sound of autotune isn't new -- anyone who's suffered through "Frampton Live" knows that -- but thanks to guys like T-Pain, it became absolutely ubiquitous in 2009. Hell, the guy even put out an iPhone app.
The only thing that would make this George Brett story/song funnier is if it was double-tapered on a boat.
And the winner is... The Blind Side. It's a feel-good, based-on-a-true-story family flick about Michael Oher's journey from homelessness to the NFL by way of his adopted family. Based on the book by the always-worth reading Michael Lewis, the movie stars Sandra Bullock (not, shockingly, as Oher) and surprised many U.S. box office watchers when it had a $34 million (USD) opening weekend and has gone on to pull in more than $180 million to date. They say it could be Bullock's highest grossing movie yet which, for anyone who saw Speed 2: Cruise Control or Forces of Nature, must come as a TOTAL shock. The film also eclipsed the blood-sucking, teen romance juggernaut "Twilight: New Moon" by its third weekend, thanks to an eclectic mix of Christian-focused marketing and people who didn't really feel like drooling over shirtless teenagers who turn into wolves and/or the undead.
If you haven't seen the movie yet or don't plan to, do yourself a huge favour and crack the CliffNotes of the story here, when Lewis wrote about Oher in 2006 issue of the New York Times magazine.
And the winner is... Barry Trotz' Ring of Fire Chili! (Get it? Because his last name sounds like a particularly violent form of diarrhea...) OK, not really. The real winner is the Air Canada Centre's simultaneous homage to the Leafs GM and tasty tubular meats, Burkie's Dog House.
Sure, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to name an arena hot dog stand after a new GM who hasn't won anything with the Leafs, but what the hell, it's fun. And that Maple Dog sounds a like a little slice of awesome. Plus, Burke seems to have a good sense of humour about the whole thing. As he told the Star, "I figure I'm immortalized until about 10 minutes after I get canned here, then it's going to be somebody else's doghouse."
OK, OK, we just like to type the word "whores." It's a great word. Go ahead, say it. "Whores." It's fun like "fork" or "snazzy," but easier to work into a sentence... ANYWAY. The winner is... TMZ Sports.
Looks like this whole Tiger Woods debacle is good for more than just more NY Post covers than 9/11, at least if you're a gossipy giggler with nothing better to do than shift our culture's unhealthy obsession with celebrity even more into the realm of sports.
Some people like to watch games and cheer on their teams, while others see the salacious personal lives of athletes much more intriguing. So the news that celebrity gossip website/TV show/dark arts conglomerate TMZ was launching a sports-specific entity either has you drooling with anticipation or getting ready to see just how far that rusty ice pick will fit in your ear. But even though we're sure this is just the 67,344th sign of the apocalypse, we're going to wait and see before passing judgment.
Oh sweet jeebus, if you've never seen this show about ex-pro ball player Kenny Powers, created by Will Ferrell and Adam McKay, and starring Danny McBride, then you are missing out. Not only is this show about as funny and profane sports has ever been on television, viewers are treated to such philosophical gems as:
"A lot of people ask me, 'Kenny Powers, you're a giant superstar. You
can get any woman. Have you ever paid for sex?' And the answer is yes,
I have. Several times, in fact. And it's actually kinda cool. You can
negotiate practically anything and sometimes, even just kind of do
stuff in the moment that you never agreed to pay for and it goes by
without much argument."
"Sure, I've been called a xenophobe, but the truth is I'm not. I
honestly just feel that America is the best country and all the other
countries aren't as good. That used to be called 'patriotism'.
"
You can also follow Mr. Powers on Twitter. His Christmas tweet? "Got 'Baby, It's Cold Outside' on loop in the truck because, let's face it, it's a f*%king Christmas song about date rape." Ah, the digital age. The show's been re-upped for a second season, scheduled to air sometime in 2010.
It's the last week of 2009 and, like anyone who writes about anything ever, that means it's time to continue the longstanding media tradition of compiling a list of Best Ofs, Worst Ofs, and Top This and Thats in order to properly distill an entire calendar year down to a few overly general summations, some pithy comments and maybe a smattering of chuckles. Ready? Huzzah!
For our part, we've decided to brand this effort "The Cheapies," for obvious reasons. Over the course of this week (and by "this week," I obviously mean from now til Wednesday) we'll be arbitrarily awarding some of our favorite sports people, places and things of the past year.
Like the trophy? Yeah, well, we didn't want to pick anything that could later be deemed too controversial.
